Do you ever stop and think about all the people in your life?  Relatives, friends, co-workers, class mates and neighbors.  We all fill our daily lives with various people.  In these clusters of relationships do you ever ponder who is truly there for you, who supports you, has unconditional concern for your well-being and would stand along your side when times turned tough?  Chances are most of us don’t.   We live each day hopefully and simply get by assuming that everyone we “know” has our best interests in mind.  Often we fail to pause and evaluate who we’ve kept in our lives until something strenuous happens and the relationship “bonds” are tested.  Throughout life we’re often faced with choices that require us to reach outward and seek guidance and at times simply hold our hands and hearts out for extra support.  It’s moments like these that we see who the true “players” really are in this game of social and often times emotional roulette. 

Sadly we often discover that those we’ve assumed were in our lives for companionship and a selfless investment into our lives , are in fact the first to quickly burrow away and become busy and almost invisible until the bewildering wave  has crashed and rolled back to sea.  In an average day without blunder, these same individuals typically appear to be the most involved and concerned, especially in the presence of onlookers.  They take interest into every detail of your life, and as long as it’s easy and rewarding to them, they make you feel as though they genuinely value and respect the time you share together.  Not only remaining present, but they’re also very vocal, opinionated and “available” right up until impact.  It’s usually in this moment that they will retreat and leave you hanging like a lone testicle on a champion bicyclist.  They scurry away leaving all the hard work to those who actually do have a genuine investment in our lives.  Unlike the aforementioned, these true contributors who always show up when it really matters, aren’t boastful in their offerings, and they do so without recognition and void any need to be ranked.  They keep you not just in their address books and organized in their social networking lists, but firmly rooted in their hearts and within arm’s reach of their emotional and physical embrace.

Often our lives are littered with people that withdraw from us like weakened leaches or thieves at an unlocked ATM, while constantly abusing our kindness and humanity to simply benefit themselves.  They’re never givers, contributors or appreciators but time and time again they’re the takers,  continuing to do so with a great sense of entitlement and arrogance all while remaining void of any humility whatsoever. They linger around and permeate infectiously, typically infecting everyone they engage in some way or another.   

As a victim in this type of one-sided thrift shop relationship, one often becomes immune or dazed by the stench that surrounds them, continuing to allow the stagnant puddle of waste to remain present for so long that others begin to assume they too are of the same substandard caliber in character.  This same type of lingering can be found in a community restroom after a half priced chimichanga night at your local Mexican joint or even tucked away in a marble lined stall in the tower of a 5 star resort.   Regardless of the level of waste you may encounter, a good “Courtesy Flush” will add clarity and often purify the clouded waters that surround our lives.  “Courtesy Flushes are good for everyone involved.  They free you from the recent strain and impurity, they are greatly appreciated by those around you and the best of all, the “waste” that has cluttered your life is soon after in route to where it belongs. This purification allows us to see the value in the people and things that are truly important in life, thus enabling us to become or remain grateful, trusting and humbled by those who love us without condition. 

So hey, how about a courtesy flush?

And if you find yourself unable to relate to any of this, chances are…… you’re probably one of the turds!

Smooth flawless exterior, big beautiful high beams, topless with a long deep exhaust and a smooth curvy rear-end and….. a bumper sticker.  Yep that was quite possibly a few descriptives of your dream car and mine.  Everything you could want in a sweet ride and more with the added tacky bumper sticker of course.  Could you actually imagine putting a hideous bumper sticker on the vehicle you’ve waited your entire life to call your own?

I find this dollar store accessory about the same as an attractive woman with a tramp stamp.  There’s nothing like meeting someone you think fits all the criteria for a long term test drive and then while bending down to pick up a simple tube of chapstick….. BAM there it is.  A deep tissue documented bad idea in the form of a lower back tattoo that looks about as appealing as a green bumper sticker on a Ferrari that says “Rock ‘n Roll” or “Honk if parts fall off!”   Attractive huh?  And speaking of parts, now if your “car” had a foggy set of headlights and one sagged on the right, you can replace those, if the rear-end got hit hard a few times and the bumper sagged, there’s a fix for that and if the grill took out a bird or two on the freeway and busted out a few sections, you can upgrade that too.  But once you put that bumper sticker on the back, it or remnants of it will be there forever.  And nothing reminds me of forever like a magical butterfly or a mini rose garden containing more ink than an HP toner cartridge.

For all of whom have such a titillating tattoo, bless your hearts and remember Jesus still loves you and probably the old stickered up car still drives the same right?  But for those of you who are tat free, congrats!  You are now the part of the “unique” crowd.

Don’t look at me too hard, don’t ask me any serious questions and don’t dare smile or try to push an optimistic viewpoint on me.  Have people in their life like this?  Sure you do, we all do.  Much too often we entertain the “Eyore” like folks in life allowing them to piss in our honey and cloud up our sunny days.   Well this morning I myself became one.  Probably a result of consuming sleep aids for the first time or possibly the fact that I had quite the intimate encounter with my sofa and cable TV all day yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling over rested and less than my amazing self.  The early rooster crow came unwelcomed like stuttering preacher and I became this irritated monster full of negativity and spouting off with a mouth only a whorish mother could love.  But it wasn’t until I called the drive-thru attendant at my regular feeding trough a FU@%!$& moron that I realized I was in fact out of my mind!

What was I doing, who was this man that made his favorite biscuit babe almost cry?  What was so bad that I had begun to take things out on the unsuspecting around me? Typically being very positive and a white chocolate covered rainbow nearly 99% of the time, I immediately stopped and thought to myself “self, we’ve only been up for an hour or so and already I hate myself for feeling and acting this way.  How must the Debbie Downers that live this way every day feel?  How shitty must that pill taste?  Swallowed daily and opening the sky up to the dark cloud that shadows their every move.”  It was almost immediate that I referenced the same questions I had pondered moments earlier.  What was so bad in life that this negativity has taken over?  Was there anything that ever really warranted so much gloom and dejection?  In a split second my mind referenced a story where I heard of a healthy 28 year old woman whom recently went to the doctor for shoulder pain, and the end result was her finding out she had cancer and may live only 2 days or 2 weeks more.  Nothing known to man being able to help and an unexpected sudden death being her only recourse, she now awaits her destiny.  Recalling this story, I simultaneously sat idle at a stoplight avoiding eye contact with a panhandler who may or may not have needed a chance.  Was he homeless, poor, unable to work, no family?  Would he still be here begging for life and money in a few weeks?  No one knows for sure, but it only took a glimpse at these two stories and in mere seconds I became thankful again and positive in the fact that my life really wasn’t that bad.  Sure I was allowed to have a crap morning, but why throw lightning bolts at others just because my sky is cloudy today?  “This too shall pass” right?  It’s amazing how a 20 second overview of life and what’s going on around us can reset your outlook and change the rest of your day, week or life.  

To those of you who live your life in the “glass half empty” world or for some “glass seems to always be cracked and leaking before you can take a drink and oh dear lord I may dehydrate and die” I ask you, what is so bad?  Look around you is everyone wearing a smug look on their face?  Probably not, but I guarantee they have just as much reason or right to do so as you or I.  We have all had been handed lemons in life and only we can CHOOSE not to allow them to make us sour or bitter in all we do.  We must remain positive, optimistic and encouraging in spite of our fate or because of it.  Why?  Simple, because life is too short, and there are always things to be positive about.  Silver linings are sometimes hard to find, but trust that they’re there if you look hard enough.  If the glass isn’t half full, then do something about it to fill it up.  No one else is responsible for your happiness, and no one appreciates you bringing them down along the way.  If at times find yourself having a hard time finding the silver lining in your day, try going back to the basics and focus on the positives within.  Like perhaps you being alive, that’s an immediate positive right?  And to me, a sign that already things are looking up!  Life doesn’t owe us anything folks, so make the best of yours each day!  And try smiling more, hell over bites and bucked teeth are still better than a frown, and I promise it’ll make you feel better! 

A small round piece of copper found in the pockets of many, collecting in random containers across the world and often trampled and over looked on the ground below us.  Produced at the U.S. Mint, millions of pennies are put into circulation each year.  Each perfectly stamped into shape, edges rounded smooth and polished to a crisp shine.   Glowing in a golden hue they trickle into our lives and begin the process of being utilized for their meager value.  Circulating among us and passing from hand to hand, these shiny pieces of metal often become tarnished, dirty, dented, and worn beyond recognition.  However the coin continues along its journey until one day removed from circulation, usually by the same source in which it was created. 

How similar are each of us and those we come in contact with each day to that of a penny?  All created individually, stamped into shape by our lives and personalities, edges rounded by the important people placed on our paths and each of us uniquely polished by the experiences and trials in which we overcome or face in defeat?  Much like the penny, events in our own lives can cause us to also become mentally tarnished, spiritually dirty and physically worn beyond recognition.  Our shine and luster once gleaming when we began our journeys often fades and can become dull at first glance.

Have you ever walked by or been standing somewhere and noticed a penny on the ground?  Did you pick it up, or did you leave it be?  Was it too dirty?  Was it too worn?  Was it not worth enough for your time or effort?  The truth, it’s worth just as much as it was the day it was created and before it landed at your feet.  While it was not handed directly to you nor was it shining bright in an array of other more valuable coins, it was still valuable.  So why do we leave the penny on the ground?  Is it because it’s just one penny?  Are we ashamed to possess a dirty penny?  Are we too proud to reach beneath us?  What if there were 100 worn or dirty pennies on the ground, would we pick them up then?  What if the penny was shiny or resting next to a quarter or perhaps laying on a dollar bill?  Would it be more appealing then?

Think about the person you avoided eye contact with on the street or the individual sitting alone at your favorite restaurant or coffee shop?  Were they just another dirty coin?  Did you stop and take a moment to pick them up in any way?  What about people you know whom haven’t made the best decisions in life or perhaps have not traveled down the most ideal road?  Maybe they too have become dull and their integrity faded, do you reach down and pick them up, brush them off and give them the opportunity to feel full of worth again?  Or do you leave them down because of their meager value or because the reward is not great enough?

Tarnished and worn or beaming new with sparkle and brilliance, everyone’s worth is equal to the day in which they were created.  Just like the penny, regardless of what the person has been through or how rough they may look and feel when they land at your feet, each are full of value.  The old saying “it all spends the same” not only applies to the penny but to the person as we are all equal, simply possessing different hues of color, histories, fates and opportunities.  Picking up that one ragged penny can lead to a collection of many more that strengthen our overall suite of assets.  Maybe that one person you overlook appears to be of little value to you or perhaps not worth the effort, but to someone that was their last “penny” or is perhaps the one “cent” needed become a new “dollar”.  No one ever asks to be a penny, nor does anyone want to be penny that no one wants.  But everyone wants to be picked up.  No matter where the penny rests, there is a dollar out there somewhere waiting to complete.  Pick up the damn penny!!

To all my African American friends. And when I say African American, what I mean to say is Black. And when I say Black, what I really mean to say is to all you Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop impersonators…… Can y’all PLEASE stop buying up all the old, out of service Crown Vic cop cars?? I mean damn!! It’s hard enough trying to get my speed on while trying to avoid all the “mama’s boys” in blue. I definitely don’t need the added stress of you and your deputy Rosko P. Soul Train zippin up behind me in an old murdered out State Trooper car still equipped with the brush guard that was once used to keep hookers off the sidewalk and Deputy Dipshit from hitting the parking pole at Dunkin Doughnuts. 

Maybe you think it helps you “blend in”, “stay on the low low” or perhaps gives you some sort of bootleg “authority” while cruising the streets. But as inconspicuous as you may think you’re being, I’ve yet to see a legit officer of the law “hot boxing” at a stoplight or put “BabyGurl” in chrome lettering on the passenger window.  I’m pretty sure either of these activities are a dead give away for “driver probably didn’t complete the Police Academy” and may or may not be riding dirty.  But in your defense I’ll have to admit, I too have always wanted to own a vehicle with one of those bad ass driver’s side spotlights and a push bumper. But at the end of the day I have to remind myself, I’ll never be Starsky and Hutch, and personally I think OJ was better off in a Bronco anyways!

I’d rather have a midget shit in my mouth after half price Mexican night, lick the taint of a homeless woman after sleeping for weeks on a city park bench, or even eat the peanuts out of a fresh pile of elephant shit before I would kiss a girl who smokes. Definite deal breaker for this ole boy!

Yesterday while shuffling outside to get a breath of fresh air at the office, I stepped out into a place too many find themselves thinking about lustfully throughout the day and usually where folks gather in packs like starved and beaten kittens all scratching for their next breath and bonding hazardously in what we all call “the smoking area”.

It was there that I saw what appeared to be one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, especially for my office building. Suited up with a bright smile, tall, blond, athletic and curved out like Porsche on race day…. And then…. Puff Puff Pass = FAIL!!! This fine specimen was on her way to reaching a possible 8-9 status on the “DiCK” scale and then in one quick pucker and inhale she dropped down to an un-rankable “0”.

Come on ladies finding that special someone is hard enough, why throw “cancer bound” and “mouth like a hot burning diaper” onto your list of unmarketable traits? Most guys these days who value their health and well-being do NOT think this is sexy. Now if you’re looking to snag a date with the manager down at the bowling alley or perhaps nail down your spot as the baddest bitch in the trailer park go ahead and light up and blow out those glorious rings of smoke as your lungs scream like a fat girl in a pushup contest. However if you’re truly interested in being marketable and healthy enough for great sex and romantic walks on the beach, the only thing that should be smoked in your life is sausage , the turkey or chicken on your club at lunch or perhaps a tire or two when you’re street racing on your way to church.
I get you may be “addicted” at this point and that breaking this habit has been known to make you put on weight when quit or even make you irritable because you just don’t know how to handle yourself, but trust me once you realize how much more beautiful and appealing you are when your face doesn’t look like a sideways volcano and when you’re out of breath because some stud took yours away and NOT the drag of your Marlboro 100s, you’ll see the full value and benefits of keeping those dirty little sticks out of your mouth.

It’s a fact there are two things I admire greatly in life.  First is the astounding beauty and allure found among the female body, and next are the sleek lines, curves and performance of a nice automobile.  For many, these two would have no correlation whatsoever, but for me there is a distinct connection. 

Gentlemen, how many times have we heard the question: “so are you a boob guy or a butt guy”?  An experienced participate in this loaded mind game would have previously evaluated his partner and respond accordingly as to not crush self-confidence and wind up in a one man cuddle puddle on the couch.  An even more experienced individual and lover of all things beautiful and often custom made would respond with some rendition of the following: 

“Great question!  Rather than focus on which I prefer, let’s look at it like this.  Experiencing a woman’s body is much like the experience found in driving a nice car.  Let’s relate “boobs” to that of an accessory found in the car.  Take the radio for instance.  Some cars come standard with basic radios.  Made for simply hearing music, not always great reception, don’t play CDs or have an AUX jack for your iPod, but still get the job done.  Other vehicles come with better radios, made for CDs, your iPod and even have Blue Tooth capabilities.  Then you have vehicles that come upgraded and very well equipped.  Whether original from the factory or done aftermarket at the owner’s request, they often have mega systems that are amplified, larger units, extra boom, and are at times an overwhelming sensation of entertainment.  These types of systems are known to be impressive and usually grab a lot of attention when paraded in public. 

Personally, while I like to focus on the experience of the drive, having some sort of radio is certainly important when I’m in control of such a machine of beauty.  I often ponder, if there were no such accessory in my ride what would I do while I was driving?  It seems that the driving experience would become very boring.  While I’m sure I could find a few things to fiddle with in the console or in the back seat, the twist of the dials and making sweet noise while I power thrust through turns and weave in and out of a center lane is what gets my blood pumping and keeps my accelerator jammed to the floor.  So do I have a preference in what type of radio my ride has?  Not really!  Who says both knobs on the radio have to match?  So what if the unit itself is a little worn out?  I’m sure we would all enjoy a big fancy upgraded unit, but to be perfectly honest a basic one that sits loose and wobbles a little when you hit a bump in the road will get the job done just as well in the end.  And speaking of the end, let’s talk about “butts”, I relate those to the trunk or rear-end of a car.  All vehicles have them, and while some may be fuller, wider, more compact and occasionally have slight or moderate impact damage, they aren’t really essential for the overall functionality and driving experience.  A good rear compartment with lots of room is nice to have, but let’s be honest here folks how often do you really use it?  Some people put small random items in theirs that roll around and just make lots of noise while others force objects into theirs that are just too big to fit causing damage and often times harming other motorists.  Simply put, rear ends and trunks are there because they must be.  Can you get by without one probably not, but in reality you don’t necessarily need a nice one to reach your destination.  Even being dented, crooked, peeling, faded or sagging the overall operation can still be a rewarding success.”

So really the question at hand isn’t “are you a boob guy or a butt guy”, it really should be “are you a good driver, and are options and upgrades really important when you’re just driving around town?”  I mean unless you’re driving a show car why spend the money?  And hell a show car never sticks around anyways, after a few restorations it usually gets sold or traded in, right?

Whether it’s American muscle or a foreign import that smells a little funny inside drop your tops crank up the radio and drive until your radiator explodes!!