You know what I love?  BIG GIRLS!  Now let’s be clear, it’s not specifically because they’re big or “big boned” as much as it is for their confidence.  While I have never dated or found myself tangled up with one in excessive thread counts, I will say there is nothing like when a woman struts in with that “I’m the queen of the jungle, looking for a weak wildebeest” look on her face.   Not exactly sure why it is, but damn these girls are confident and fun!  They’re usually found to be the life of the party, they dance (usually experts at “backin it up” and “getting low”), they drink like fish(usually hard liquor with a splash of ice), they’re usually funny, never turn down a good motorboatin and best of all they make all the skinny prissy girls look like busch leaguers when it comes to being proud of who they are and what they’re working with.  They really put value in the whole “shake what ya mama gave ya” expression.

Think about it folks, how many attractive and skinny to average size women do you know have the worst confidence ever.  Always worried about what they eat, how they look, if they look fat, how their legs look in shorts, how small their boobs are, or if the right hangs lower than the left, how they look next to other the girls, how flat their butt is, if they’re getting a double chin, why they have no calf muscles or how long they will have to diet and/or throw up before bikini season.  You think The REAL Big Girls of the USA (that should be a reality show.) sit around and think about all this stuff?  NO not usually!  Yes they may wish they could lose a pound or two here and there, but for the most part they are proud of themselves for much more than just how they look or how they fill out a Vistoria’s Secret set. 

Although they may take a different approach, they know how beautiful they are, live life to the fullest and simply love themselves for who they know they are.  They find early on that if they exude all their beauty and intelligence from the inside out, it doesn’t matter if you have cankles or ballerina legs, people will like and love you just the way you are. (Hell even Bruno Mars said that, right?)  BGs find a pride in themselves, establishing a confidence many women and people in general never find.   Now of course this isn’t the same for all BGs, but in my experience I have seen this to be the majority.  Several of my friends are “big girls” and by me writing this it’s no slap in the face, but more of “get it girl” kind of moment they should be proud of.  They know I love them dearly and plus I need them on my team sometimes when “Bat Shit Crazy” Girls Go Wild. (probably another needed reality show)   Did I mention these girls can usually fight better than Bruce Lee in a scene out of Fist of Fury?  We all know how catty women can be when it comes to appearance, and “is that bitch looking at me” but no one knows this better than a big girl I’ll tell you that.  And best believe she will usually slap the pigment right out of your skin and the taste off your lips if you say something cross.  Not only is she confident, but she stands up for what she believes and also that of her friends.  She is overall a very strong woman and people typically want to be around her.   I know it’s true, I’ve seen it.   Odds are you have too, and ladies even better odds are you live it and don’t even realize what you are doing.  How many know the term wing woman?  Well in this case she would be the “big girl” you ask to go out with you on a Friday night.  Wanting to be the center of attention as usual, you ask your BG friend to come along to provide you company and social support, but also to help you stand out in a crowd by you thinking YOU will be the best thing in sight.  But what happens?  You go out, shots are had, music is played, and the next thing you know “Baby got Back” busts out, excessive cleavage is on display and you find ole BG lip locked with the guy you thought was looking at you all night.  And man those lips, I’ve ONLY heard stories (OF COURSE) that big girls put in the extra effort on the lip lock and sucking the…….  brownie pieces through a straw.  I hear some can even manage to suck a golf ball through a water hose.  Not sure what all that’s about, but the stories are certainly impressive and should leave a lot to think about.  And when I think about it, I can’t even imagine life without big girls and I’m not even a black man.

So just remember, when you’re gonna do something, do it well, and when you do it well, do it BIG!! 

                                     (Whatever you do, do not watch this video.)

                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDSK91mUNLU

                                        This messages has been BG approved.

Smooth flawless exterior, big beautiful high beams, topless with a long deep exhaust and a smooth curvy rear-end and….. a bumper sticker.  Yep that was quite possibly a few descriptives of your dream car and mine.  Everything you could want in a sweet ride and more with the added tacky bumper sticker of course.  Could you actually imagine putting a hideous bumper sticker on vehicle you’ve waited your whole life to call your own?

I find this dollar store accessory about the same as an attractive woman with a tramp stamp.  There’s nothing like meeting someone you think fits all the criteria for a long term test drive and then while bending down to pick up a simple tube of chapstick….. BAM there it is.  A deep tissue documented bad idea in the form of a lower back tattoo that looks about as appealing as a green bumper sticker on a Ferrari that says “Rock ‘n Roll” or “Honk if parts fall off!”   Attractive huh?  And speaking of parts, now if your “car” had a foggy set of headlights and one sagged on the right, you can replace those, if the rear-end got hit hard a few times and the bumper sagged, there’s a fix for that and if the grill took out a bird or two on the freeway and busted out a few sections, you can upgrade that too.  But once you put that bumper sticker on the back, it or remnants of it will be there forever.  And nothing reminds me of forever like a magical butterfly or a mini rose garden containing more ink than an HP toner cartridge.

For all of whom have such a titillating tattoo, bless your hearts and remember Jesus still loves you and probably the old stickered up car still drives the same right?  But for those of you who are tat free, congrats!  You are now the part of the “unique” crowd.

Do you often find yourself saddened by situations in which you had control of but failed to execute good decisions based upon your inability to separate emotion from reality?  Do you often suppress your feelings in fear that others will judge you or see your outward expressions as a sign of weakness?  Do you sometimes find yourself convincing yourself to feel one way in order to cover up truer feelings that are possibly more painful to deal with or hard to accept?  If any or all of these sound familiar you could possibly be emotionally retarded!

 An emotional retard usually results from being a victim of emotional rape.  Once violated, mistreated or abused (Mindfucked) the e-retard finds his/her soul in a constant breakdown mode and they become incapable of getting off of the emotional shortbus of destruction.  An e-retard is typically familiar with being emotionally shat upon, and with the constant lies, rejections, disappointments and betrayal the e-retard may find themselves emotionally numb and lacking emotional response at all.  Sadly e-retards will often attempt emotional suicide in order to cope with day to day activities and mask the pain of reality.  Others turn to an emotional tampon for relief. It’s been known that confiding in and being with someone else(usually intimately) who simply listens and “tolerates” an e-retard’s constant self-loathing helps the e-retard to cope and feel better if even for a short period of time.

Due to this severely risky behavior, in many cases the e-retard often becomes an emotional whore, further damaging him/herself and riddling their future with even more emotional sickness and ultimately becoming an emotional train wreck.  And like with any train wreck you never WANT to look, but it’s so hard not to as you pass by innocently wondering to yourself “what happened”?  In either case it’s always better to just drive on by and leave the “wreck” for professionals who are skilled with handling such unfortunate mishaps.  No matter how cool it may look, no matter how much it may excite you and no matter how many others are doing it, when the train to crazy town derails, you don’t wanna be anywhere near the scene.  The short term thrill you get will never be worth the long term scaring you leave with.  

Chooooooo Choooo!!   Watch out, the train might be behind you or better yet, you might be on it!!!

There’s a woman in my life that made me smile today.  I woke up thinking of how beautiful she was and was immediately reminded that she was also the reason I find beauty within myself.   She’s often led me when I’ve been lost, she’s picked me up when I’ve fallen hard, she continues to inspire me daily all while  leaving impressions on my soul and tiny tattoos all over my heart. I’ve seen her sacrifice, I’ve seen her sad, I’ve held her hand when she was crying all the while reminding her she’s the best I’ll ever have. 

When I was kid I wanted to grown, now as a man I wish I were still carefree and constantly toted.  Things were so simple back then when my only worries were “where’s the milk” and who’s next to be motor boated.   All grown up now I often reflect back to when I was younger and things never made sense, my mind just a mere tadpole incapable of leaping from playing in the sandbox, to digging into reality and understanding the hardships of life.  But through her own trials, tribulations, disappointments and successes she’s shown me what it means to persevere, work hard, remain humble and never give up.  Even when giving up made more sense and seemed to be the most efficient option she has never given up on me, never given up on herself and never allowed life to give up on her. 

I believe perfection comes in many forms.  It’s relative to each situation and every point of view and in most cases is overlooked due to a clouded vision based upon popular perception and unrealistic expectations.  I’m no expert on anything specific in life, but I do know one thing to its fullest extent.  This woman is my perfection.  The love I have for her goes beyond any description I can portray with my words, it’s stronger than me on my best day, and it goes deeper than I could ever fall.  I’m humbled today in knowing that I am fortunate to have this woman not only in my heart, but also by my side as many around me are less fortunate and have sent their own to perform bigger duties in higher places.  I’m thankful for the peace I feel each morning knowing that I’m a good man with a great heart because she has held me true to the values planted early on, and I’m excited for each day I have with her here on earth, realizing that not one of them are promised to me and such gifts of life are not eternal. 

While driving through Atlanta yesterday in the pouring rain I thought about a friend who had lost his mother this past year.  Knowing this was the first mother’s day without her I thought of her being in heaven and looking down on his family.  As the rain poured down, it felt as though in that moment thousands of tiny hugs and kisses were falling from the heavens.  Unexpectedly I felt a peace come over me and a huge smile filled my face as my heart flooded and began to pour from my eyes.  Immediately I sent the text “ Big hug and thinking of you today.  All this rain might be hugs and kisses from heaven, Go out and play in it!!” to my friend.  Not only did my heart go out to someone I love and respect but simultaneously my heart sank with guilt for not taking more advantage of the time I have left with this wonderful woman in my life.  Some of us can only “go play in the rain” at this point because that’s what has been given, but for many others the sun is still shining and we need to enjoy that light and warmth in our lives before it’s too late.  Thank you mom, I love you!

In case you don’t know this about me, I’m the type of person that wakes up ALMOST every morning with a “hakuna matata” kinda outlook on life and without regret. I try to live each day as if it were indeed my last. Doing so with what most consider a superior level of energy and purpose and as if I had a tornado up my ass or perhaps being chased by midget holding a paternity test with my name on it. I may be a little intense, but none the less exciting!

I make that statement to simply elude to the fact that in spite of the curve balls or flaming ninja stars that life has thrown my way, I’ve still managed to come out on top in almost every way and have molded a pretty amazing life out of a few basic foundational principles that were instilled in me at a very early age. (Thanks mom!)

HOWEVER even with all the great and triumphant moments in tow, a common realization is I’ve yet to accomplish my greatest goal in life. Finding the other half of my bionic blend and starting a family! A family so amazing it’ll have the Mayor of Mayberry asking for our residency. Part Little House On The Prairie, part Leave It To Beaver and a little bit of Full House and Teen Mom, I mean we all need a some Uncle Jesse in our lives and just a tad bit of dysfunction right?

Now while I don’t know if I’ve already met this specific and courageous woman of wonder just yet, I do however know all the traits she must possess as well as what makes the “perfect mate” for this methodical man of mystery. Some say I’m too picky, some say I’m selfish, I like to think just worth it and deserving of all things greater than mediocre.

So in an attempt to” lay the cards face up” to the world, but more to myself, here is what I’m presenting to my soul-mate recruiter in hopes that the connection is made and that fate and methodical decisions lead me to this fountain of fulfillment and joy.

In no particular order my lifetime cuddle candidate:

-Must want children. (Preferably your own. While pretty much anything goes during my holiday dinners and family get-togethers, kidnapping and theft is usually frowned upon as items of discussion.) Being a good mother is probably the sexiest thing a woman can do in my opinion. And of course “good” is relative depending on what part of the world you are from or perhaps how many Springer episodes you’ve recorded.

-Must be beautiful. (Now clearly beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And as the beholder, I’m looking for more of an all original, numbers matching newer Ferrari that looks great riding around topless or simply home parked in the garage. What I don’t want is some restored “like new” condition set up that possibly could have frame damage and even blown a few head gaskets or two in its hay day.) Too much liability and that just makes me nervous.

-Must love Jesus or at least be looking for him. (Now let’s be clear, that is JESUS as in The lord and Savior AKA Christ. Not to be confused with Jesus the pool and garden guy from Tucker Landscaping.) I mean don’t get me wrong I love Mexican AND well trimmed bushes but I’ve made it this long without a prison sentence, let’s not ruin that streak with a hate crime.

-Must love family. (Not necessarily MY family. Although that would be a plus, I understand they are “special” and that would be one hell of a commitment. But more so, must love the idea and see the importance of having a successful, strong and loving family unit.)

-Must engage in and promote a healthy lifestyle. (This doesn’t mean being ripped and not enjoying good foods and sweets from time to time, but my idea of a balanced breakfast isn’t Gogurt with a Frappuccino every morning nor does it mean squeezing juice from weeds and grass and making our family farts smell like dirt and tree sap.)

-Must love sex and be a cuddler. (Specifically with ONLY ME. Now I’m not gonna vote you off the island if you’ve had a few practices before the big game, but in no way will this be a multiplayer event nor will there ever be a need for outside training or a strength and condition coach of any kind.)

-Must love herself. (I mean hell if I’m gonna have to love her, she should too right? ) Self esteem and self confidence are super important. While both can be built upon and strengthened, there must be a good foundational basis. I’m a motivator, mentor and coach of life yes, but I’m no miracle worker folks.

-Must be smart. (This needs to be a good combination of street smarts and book smarts.) Now when I say street, I’m not talking about walking them or earning a pay check there unless she happens to be a cop. I’m specifically talking about being wise and practical with a sense of know how on life and meshed with some good old fashion education from them there school books.

And there you have it folks! That wasn’t so “picky” now was it? I mean I am specific, but not picky. Picky would be saying “she has to be blonde or she has to be brunette”. (Sorry no gingers!) And I would never be able to put limitations on something Loreal or Kuts by Keisha can always fix. (Sorry still no gingers!!) Not that I don’t like ginger, just usually in my bread or with sushi that’s all!

So, I’m not sure what to expect this year as I grab 31 by the tail and swing it around over my head, but I do know one thing for sure, it’s gonna be great!!

Well if you’ve spent any time in a gym or fitness facility at all, then I’m sure you have seen a few if not all of the signs.  Every place has them and boy do they make for some good entertainment for us regulars.  And when I say regulars, let me be clear.  “Regulars” at the gym are not necessarily the “meatheads” that you often find wearing the 80s style parachute workout pants with the ripped up EVERLAST sweatshirts.  When I say “Regulars” I’m referring to those who actually take fitness and personal health serious and consider it a routine in their everyday lifestyle.  NOT the seasonal New Year’s resolutioners, post pregnancy fat peddlers, or the Spring Breaker trying to hide their “freshmen 15”.  Regulars are usually in the gym often.  We see fads and routines come and go and more importantly we are highly entertained when the “tools” come out to play.  

You might be a “gym tool”:

If when you’re working out you think making more noise gives the impression you are exerting a lot of effort or really putting in work.  The reality is you sound like you might have a pine cone stuck in your ass and watching you fight that weight makes me feel sorry for your mom when she has to wash your underwear.

If you listen to your iPod and think you are the world’s baddest assed air drummer or perhaps on the cast of the “Leftovers from American Idol”.  You are there to workout, no need to express the fact that you have not let go of your 80s hair band wanna be a rockstar obsession.  Increase your heart rate not the volume Steve Tyler!

     Also if you are still buying size small “wife beaters” chances are you probably aren’t really big enough to even beat your wife.  Go ahead and throw some sleeves on that bitch until you hit at least a schmedium.  Now on the flip side of that if you are also wearing a “widebeater” and it looks like you’re smuggling a sofa pillow or perhaps hiding a deflated kickball under there, I’d advise holding off for a few weeks until you worked off a few of those  “starter pounds”.

If you’re the guy who always stops and asks “do you mind if I work in bro”.  As a matter of fact, yes I do.  Mostly because “working in” means you will do whatever I am doing currently and NOT changing the position of the machine to include the weights.  I don’t have time to watch you perfect your own technique or listen as you tell me how you use to do things “when you played ball” or back when dinosaurs ate their own poop.  Also, quit asking “how many sets I have left”.  No matter what number I’m on, I’m always gonna add 3 more sets just because you asked.

     If you’re the guy who walks around with your chest out and arms bowed yet you really have no muscle or body meat that are pushing your body to hold that stance, chances are you are a complete tool as well.  Yes posture is very important, however you don’t walk around the bar acting like you’re holding an invisible bottle of beer and take fake sips do you?  No, so no need to act like you have a need to be bowed out like a cobra on meth either.   Face it sugar tits if it’s not there it’s just not there.  We all know you probably just did something really cool over on the bench press, just let us all wonder how bad you really are.  Everyone likes a little mystery right?

     If you do things that you see others do in the gym and have no idea why you are doing them.  And you’re typically doing them wrong.  I sometimes make stuff up just to see who all starts doing it.  Balance is super important and who doesn’t love the use of a medicine ball.  But not all things belong together Chuck Norris!

     If you’re the person who is walking around talking on your phone and keeps repeating “yeah I’m at the gym”, “gotta get this workout in”, “couple times a week” etc.  The reality is, no matter how much you tell people what you are doing and even if you call them while you are doing it, the proof is in the pudding.  If you look like you go to the gym you probably do, if you don’t chances are you’re eating the pudding and besides no one really cares. 

     And maybe you don’t talk on the phone, but you’re one of those who like to post “At the Gym” on your Facebook just to let everyone know you are actually getting off your ass and doing something productive.  Hate to break it to you, but this one day won’t matter when you don’t do anything the other 30 of the month, but hey check in at “Whole Foods” after you leave the gym and maybe that will help with your new sexy and you know it image!

     My personal favorite is when people come up and ask me “what do you bench bro”?  Cause lord knows my entire fitness routine and state of health is measured upon the answer to that question.  They never told me in the Men’s Health magazine that having great tits would be so much work.  And why is it ok for people to do that to guys and not women?  I think next time I see a woman with a nice rack in the gym I’ll walk up and ask her how good she is in bed or if she has mastered a good “motorboat/Tugboat” routine.  Why haven’t I thought of this before?

     And let’s not forget the creeper version of the tool.  You know the guy who always seems to be at the same machine or near when a girl is wearing something revealing while working out? (Usually her legs or buttocks)  I find it hilarious when I watch guys run around day after day like scavengers searching for a weak wildebeest near the river.  Guys, the best part is you get to tell your wife “you’re at the gym” and it’s totally legit right?  Never mind that fact that you have been “going to the gym” for the past 5 years and your belly still sticks out past your wiener and your ass cheeks sag like melting wax on a sack of rotten potatoes.   “ I work out” Yeeeeah!!

     Now while this is in no way an exhausted list of the toolish ways of man, it is however a good start for a simple reality check.  If you find you fit any of the points above, please do us all a favor and stay home with your old Richard Simmon’s vidos and a couple Shake Weights.

I’d rather have a midget shit in my mouth after half price Mexican night, lick the taint of a homeless woman after sleeping for weeks on a city park bench, or even eat the peanuts out of a fresh pile of elephant shit before I would kiss a girl who smokes.  Definite deal breaker for this ole boy!

Yesterday while shuffling outside to get a breath of fresh air at the office, I stepped out into a place too many find themselves thinking about lustfully throughout the day and usually where folks gather in packs like starved and beaten kittens all scratching for their next breath and bonding hazardously in what we all call “the smoking area”. 

It was there that I saw what appeared to be one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, especially for my office building.  Suited up with a bright smile, tall, blond, athletic and curved out like Porche on race day…. And then….  Puff Puff Pass = FAIL!!!  This fine specimen was on her way to reaching a possible 8-9 status on the “DiCK” scale and then in one quick pucker and inhale she dropped down to an un-rankable “0”.

Come on ladies finding that special someone is hard enough, why throw “cancer bound” and “mouth like a hot burning diaper” onto your list of unmarketable traits?  Most guys these days who value their health and well-being do NOT think this is sexy.  Now if you’re looking to snag a date with the manager down at the bowling alley or perhaps nail down your spot as the baddest bitch in the trailer park go ahead and light up and blow out those glorious rings of smoke as your lungs scream like a fat girl in a pushup contest.  However if you’re truly interested in being marketable and healthy enough for great sex and romantic walks on the beach, the only thing that should be smoked in your life is sausage , the turkey or chicken on your club at lunch or perhaps a tire or two when you’re street racing on your way to church.
I get you may be “addicted” at this point and that breaking this habit has been known to make you put on weight when quit or even make you irritable because you just don’t know how to handle yourself, but trust me once you realize how much more beautiful and appealing  you are when your face doesn’t look like a sideways volcano and when you’re out of breath because some stud took yours away and NOT the drag of your Marlboro 100s, you’ll see the full value and benefits of keeping those dirty little sticks out of your mouth.

How many times have we seen this simple statement posted up in restrooms (usually restaurants) all over America?  How often do you suppose people actually obey this rule of personal and public hygiene? Allow me to inform you.  Statistics show that roughly 75% of women and only 50% of men wash their hands after using the restroom. 

This thought came to me today as I was standing next to a highly respected and balding individual in my company and I witnessed him perform his “duties of relief” and without hesitation, zip and rip right out the door.  Yep, Mr. 50% Dirty Testicle Tickler himself set out into the corporate office to shake hands, pass pens, open doors, press elevator buttons, pour coffee, text, email and even offer you a stick of gum. 

Now as an adult, I’m fairly confident in saying that the basics of personal hygiene and cleanliness should be engrained into your brain, man OR woman.  We all get “busy” and often in a hurry.  But I think it’s safe to say there is ALWAYS time (on average 20 seconds) to wash the saliva, penis, midget vomit, vagina, food, snot, dirt, urine, dead skin, feces, mating juices, pet dander, and last night’s hooker off of your hands.  I mean let’s be real here folks, we ALL have, and will come in contact with some (if not all) of the aforementioned items.  But in no way does this mean everyone else wants to share in the same contact habits as you.   Now while YOU may be ok with being a dirty little germ haver and totally don’t mind a little butt crack residue with your BLT, I personally would appreciate the common respect of a good hand washing  IF YOU DON’T MIND.   

Gentlemen, the next time you head to a business meeting or golf game remember this: EVERY OTHER man you meet that day and probably shake his hand or “pound fists” has dirty hands.  And you touching his hand(s) in any fashion is like playing rush and roulette with HIS junk.  Hopefully he is a trimmer!

Ladies, next time you meet up for girls night or for mothers day out remember this: EVERY FOURTH woman you meet that day, hug and cheek kiss also has dirty hands.  And touching her hand(s) is practically the same as helping replace HER tampon.  But hey, what are friends for!

 Support the cause, wash your paws!!

While washing my balls and getting prepped for a Saturday out with the boys a few weekends ago I was presented with an interesting question by one of my good buddies.  Usually I’m with a much more skilled “mentor like” partner when these types of things come up, but given that this particular day we were participating in a foursome with a few rookies, I had to step up and handle this one on my own.

At first our conversation started with lifting, dropping, placing and simply playing in the wrong place.  Then it turned to obstructions, interference and the hazards of water.  Knowing the importance of clean balls, it is still understood that submerged in water is no place for them to be if you want to be a pro.  It was right after the balls at rest or balls in motion discussion that my friend asked “is it ever ok to pick your partner’s ball up so that you can get a full stroke in”?  Considering my limited knowledge on the sport I reached out to my mentor Peter for the answer.  He texted me back quickly and said “sure, but only when the balls touch”.

I love golf!!

Sports coaches and referees, police men directing traffic, Boy Scouts and even circus staff under the big tent, just think about it.  When you hear the sound of that whistle you know something official has just happened or that your attention is being sought out in dramatic form. 

This morning while at a local Chic-fil-a I noticed a middle aged man standing in line waiting on his order and he too was wearing a whistle.   It was at this exact moment I said to myself “self wouldn’t it be interesting if we incorporated the whistle into more of our common everyday activities”?

Can you imagine a world where you never overslept again do to lazily hitting the snooze button?  Instead you rise and shine to the ear tingling sound of an official size and weight, custom, brass crafted whistle blown by your spouse, a cuddle buddy or perhaps your mother or Uncle Rico?  Or what if next Friday at the office when it’s time to end for the day your boss runs out of his/her office blowing a whistle harder than George Michael backstage at a Bieber concert?  Wouldn’t this get you much more excited about knowing your day was over and the weekend has now begun?  Significantly more impactful than simply sitting and watching the clock tick away silently while watching others scamper away early while thinking they are being unnoticed.  Or perhaps consider this, maybe the next time you and your significant other are having relations consistent with human reproduction, have him/her wear a whistle.  Simple enough, when it feels good, blow the whistle.  Why leave it up to the unknown?  Give your mate some feedback and blow that damn whistle.  This would make the climax much more official and heaven knows it would ensure complete satisfaction.  And if not completely satisfied, how about a mini chirp of the whistle and bam back to the line it is to try again.  Coach always said, “practice makes perfect”, right?  Now line em up!!  Let’s also consider all the effective uses a whistle could bring into your social life.  For all you attention hogs who must have the spotlight when you enter a room, forget worrying about buying that new denim jacket to show off your eyes and bad taste, don’t even worry about showing more cleavage or wearing heels to show of your lacking calf muscles, hell just grab a whistle and when you enter the room, pucker those lips, inhale and blow enough spit thru that thing to make Ron Jeremy reconsider his decision to retire.  Without a doubt you will have caught the attention of everyone in the room and quite possibly also eliminated the threat of a few sex offenders who scurry away with lightening speed thinking that you have in fact just blown your rape whistle as a precautionary measure.

While this is in no way an extensive list of all the benefits and handy ways a whistle can make your life more enjoyable, keep you alert in more everyday situations or show others that you too can make a statement with your lips, I do hope it has opened your mind regarding your daily activities and how you can spice them up with the tone and resonance of a high quality whistle. 

Give it a try, today while heading to the break room for lunch at the office, when you walk in and see someone grabbing something from the fridge simply complete the following: “Blreeeeeeeeeep blreep, (and yell) hey bitch that’s mine”   and see what happens.  Regardless if the item being acquired was yours or not, remember this was simply a test of the effectiveness of the whistle.  Once you see your coworker’s startled face and the site of what appears to be his/her own waste trickling down his/her leg, you will become confident in knowing that a whistle is in fact they way to go.

Make it official, blow a whistle!

I’m pretty sure a rhinoceros could shit in my mouth and I’d gag less than I am right now running next to this sphincter twin at the gym. Damn pops, what do your insides look like if your outside smells this bad??

Other than The Jersey Shore cast, do they make a full body douche? This fella needs one ASAP!!

And now that I think about it, I should probably leave anyways.  Pretty sure this could be a scene off of Chris Hanson’s “To catch a Predator”. 

Uncle-Grandpa with his shirt off and little Julianna over there skipping to her loo on level 4.5 is never a good combo.  Maybe she’s imagining she’s at the park and practicing her fast footwork getaway from his candy van or perhaps his supped up Rascal scooter with the “lucky” rabbit’s foot that always needs rubbin?  Who knows, either way agents are bound to bust up in this joint any minute.

But hey, “I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express tonight”. 

Why is it that people at the bus stop always have the nicest tennis/running shoes and are always rocking the latest cell phone and/or digital gadgets? 

I mean I guess one does need dependable footwear to get to and from local pick-up and drop off locations around the city, and of course you need something to do while your waiting,(and books are so heavy and have such tiny writing) but as cool as you may think you look with your $160 Nike shoes, iPod, and your “Beats by Dre” headphones, you’re still sitting at the bus stop!

Don’t get me wrong now, I’m totally a shoe guy and I often catch myself gazing onto the sidewalk trying to keep up with the latest fashions, but…….. then the light turns green and I’m reminded that I spent my shoe money on gas and a license plate and that I can go anywhere I want including areas outside the public transit loop.

Nike Running Shoes = $160

Apple iPod = $200

Overpriced Headphones by a “Dr.” with no medical credentials = $180

Picking your girlfriend up for a date and letting her pick the restaurant (with the most convenient bus stop) = PRICELESS!!