Image and video hosting by TinyPic DiCK WEBBER

I do it naked!

Tan boobs, warm beds and a variety of body lotions and clean-up towels.  Yes friends, welcome to my world.  But before you jump to conclusions and assume I’m referencing how you or your uncle Donnie spend your Friday nights in front of the Pay Per View channel, let me clarify and announce that I’m the proud new owner of my very own Tanning Salon in Roswell, GA.

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Many have inquired about my recent AWOL status around Atlanta.  And while I won’t bore you with the details of how my new venture came to be, I will say that the past 6 months have been very exciting.  Last year at this time I was banging on bamboo and finishing up “Cheeky Pontiki” while getting ready for summer shenanigans on Lake Lanier.  This year I’m again getting ready for the summer, but doing so while ensuring our suburban pretty people stay sexy and tan while filling up my piggy bank.

Why a tanning salon you may ask?  What does DiCK know about tanning?  The fact is, the only two things I knew about tanning when I began this walk on the darker side was that everyone likes to look good naked, and a tan hide is always a better ride!  This important street knowledge combined with a great opportunity and some keen business skills, and I’ve gone all in with the only regret being that I didn’t begin sooner.

“The girls” do an amazing job running the salon from day to day, while I maintain a corporate gig that I’ve loved for almost 4 years now in Atlanta.  Between personal, social and professional compulsions, I continue to find great satisfaction in keeping busy while planning for each next step in this crazy life. And while some days are more hectic than others, the important things and people in my life continue to drive my focus and peak my satisfaction the most.

So while many may think I’ve died or possibly ended up in a Mexican prison due to some bad Cinco De Mayo decisions last year, I’m in fact alive and better than ever.  If you get a chance, stop by and check out the new Salon and say hello to my new GLOW Roswell family. 

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Life Of Laughter “LOL”

A romantic comedy, a good joke, babies farting with a smile, and even midgets playing with yo-yos

.  All of these can be incredibly funny and entertaining.  In fact not only are they funny, but they’re also healthy.   Laughter in any form, fights stress, strengthens the body, increases energy levels and in general helps us bond with others.     

                       

One of my favorite quotes of all times: “If you can make a woman laugh you can make her do anything”, comes from the one and only provocatively delicious Marilyn Monroe.  Out of all the things I’ve learned in this capricious life, I’ve never known anything to be truer.  While Marilyn emphasizes specifically on the “woman”, I’ve found this to be true in a much broader aspect of life and relating to all genders.  I’ve seen that having the ability to make anyone laugh, gains you access to their personality almost immediately.  Much like taking a prostitute to prom, all reservations are gone and others will allow themselves to be vulnerable without fear of judgment.  The closed off become receptive with a simple funny line, sad moments become lighter when a chuckle is shared, mistakes become lessons learned once a joke can be made about how stupid actions were, and  life in general becomes much happier and more enjoyable when you find a way to magnify the humorous angles of every situation you encounter.

Often people are quick to judge based on how a person lives or “handles” their life based on situational reactions.  Take myself for instance.  At first glance, most assume I’m the wild and crazy person consistently at the forefront of all things fun, carefree and reckless.  Many often comment on how “cool things happen in my life” and “how I’m always in such a good mood”.  Others have stated that “I just don’t understand how tough things have been for them and that life isn’t all fun and games”.  I assume that these same folks also imagine my road has been paved with lollipops and Skittles, when in reality it’s just the opposite, having been littered with potholes, tacks and the Ogres that ate the monsters under my bed.  The fact is, I’ve dealt with some of the same and often much more difficult events in life.  All with the same levels of trial, anguish and defeat, but with one distinguishing factor, I’ve perfected the art of making the lemonade.  From an early age, I realized that I had the ability to either let the lemons fall stale and sour along my path or simply make some of the most delicious and sought after lemonade known to man.  

       

I had the privilege of growing up with a step-father and uncle that to this day are some of the funniest people I know.  Being twins and with names like “Ronald” and “Donald”, they alone set the stage for the ridiculousness that was fixed before me.  From an early age, I remember how good it always made me feel to laugh.  Growing up fairly simple in cozy Paris, Tennessee, we never had more than we needed, we knew we couldn’t always get what we wanted, but regardless we always had fun with all we had.  We laughed at the end of the each day and because of that and unconditional love, life was considered good.  

As I transformed into a teenager and life became a bit harder for many reasons, I found that the “funny” I had always found comfort in as a child, was still a strong force in breaking barriers and brightening up dark situations around me.  And whether I knew it at the time or not I subconsciously made a decision that no matter how hard things might get, I would always find a way to discover the good and push through with the aid of a pun, quick joke, a laugh or a simple warm smile. So that’s how I live my life.  I never really was the “cool kid” growing up, and I’m not sure if I ever really fit in with any particular crowd.  But one thing was certain, I did fit in.  It didn’t matter the crowd or the moment I happen to be around at the time, there always seemed to be acceptance for fun, light hearted banter and positive energy.  I found joy in making others laugh as often as possible and as cliché as it sounds, I always found a way to make the glass appear “half full” when others could only see it as empty, or shattered and incapable of repair.  As time went on and I grew older, this way of life turned into a personality and a major contributor to the vivacious character I am today.  It’s not so much that my life is better or more fortunate than any other.  It’s the simple fact that I choose to make it fun and exciting regardless of what fecal fallout may fly from the fan.  For example: I see a dead animal on the side of the highway and I think “at least it didn’t have to burn to death in a house fire, at least it died fast”.  I see a young guy in a wheel chair, do I feel sad?  No, I immediately feel motivated because I know he probably has stronger arms than me and I now want to work harder in the gym.  When someone pops a balloon, I celebrate because the air that was trapped inside is now free.  And when I go through a tough break up I don’t cry, I take pride in the fact that I’m doing my part and recycling with hopes that one day someone can turn my trash into treasure.

Life will undoubtedly continue to send us all balls that curve and land us in situations in which we feel are unfair, sad, heart breaking and often life changing.  But inside each of us lies the ability to find the positive in every situation.  When harnessed, this positivity yields more smiles, giggles, laughs with accidental pissing and a genuine compatibility with the world around us.  Instead of waking up tomorrow and thinking about all the things you don’t “want to do” throughout the day, think about all the things you “get to do” and make the most of each “opportunity” that awaits before you.  Remember that the people around you often feed off your energy, so why not give them something supple to nurse on!  

Courtesy Flush Please!

Do you ever stop and think about all the people in your life?  Relatives, friends, co-workers, class mates and neighbors.  We all fill our daily lives with various people.  In these clusters of relationships do you ever ponder who is truly there for you, who supports you, has unconditional concern for your well-being and would stand along your side when times turned tough?  Chances are most of us don’t.   We live each day hopefully and simply get by assuming that everyone we “know” has our best interests in mind.  Often we fail to pause and evaluate who we’ve kept in our lives until something strenuous happens and the relationship “bonds” are tested.  Throughout life we’re often faced with choices that require us to reach outward and seek guidance and at times simply hold our hands and hearts out for extra support.  It’s moments like these that we see who the true “players” really are in this game of social and often times emotional roulette. 

Sadly we often discover that those we’ve assumed were in our lives for companionship and a selfless investment into our lives , are in fact the first to quickly burrow away and become busy and almost invisible until the bewildering wave  has crashed and rolled back to sea.  In an average day without blunder, these same individuals typically appear to be the most involved and concerned, especially in the presence of onlookers.  They take interest into every detail of your life, and as long as it’s easy and rewarding to them, they make you feel as though they genuinely value and respect the time you share together.  Not only remaining present, but they’re also very vocal, opinionated and “available” right up until impact.  It’s usually in this moment that they will retreat and leave you hanging like a lone testicle on a champion bicyclist.  They scurry away leaving all the hard work to those who actually do have a genuine investment in our lives.  Unlike the aforementioned, these true contributors who always show up when it really matters, aren’t boastful in their offerings, and they do so without recognition and void any need to be ranked.  They keep you not just in their address books and organized in their social networking lists, but firmly rooted in their hearts and within arm’s reach of their emotional and physical embrace.

Often our lives are littered with people that withdraw from us like weakened leaches or thieves at an unlocked ATM, while constantly abusing our kindness and humanity to simply benefit themselves.  They’re never givers, contributors or appreciators but time and time again they’re the takers,  continuing to do so with a great sense of entitlement and arrogance all while remaining void of any humility whatsoever. They linger around and permeate infectiously, typically infecting everyone they engage in some way or another.   

As a victim in this type of one-sided thrift shop relationship, one often becomes immune or dazed by the stench that surrounds them, continuing to allow the stagnant puddle of waste to remain present for so long that others begin to assume they too are of the same substandard caliber in character.  This same type of lingering can be found in a community restroom after a half priced chimichanga night at your local Mexican joint or even tucked away in a marble lined stall in the tower of a 5 star resort.   Regardless of the level of waste you may encounter, a good “Courtesy Flush” will add clarity and often purify the clouded waters that surround our lives.  “Courtesy Flushes are good for everyone involved.  They free you from the recent strain and impurity, they are greatly appreciated by those around you and the best of all, the “waste” that has cluttered your life is soon after in route to where it belongs. This purification allows us to see the value in the people and things that are truly important in life, thus enabling us to become or remain grateful, trusting and humbled by those who love us without condition. 

So hey, how about a courtesy flush?

And if you find yourself unable to relate to any of this, chances are…… you’re probably one of the turds!

Lake season is upon us folks!  And this year I did a little planning ahead.  Starting in early January I began constructing this rig.  Some say man cave on water, others say ultimate party barge. I say grab a beer coozie, fill it with an ice cold bad decision and meet me at the dock.  

Are you emotionally retarded?

Do you often find yourself saddened by situations in which you had control of but failed to execute good decisions based upon your inability to separate emotion from reality?  Do you often suppress your feelings in fear that others will judge you or see your outward expressions as a sign of weakness?  Do you sometimes find yourself convincing yourself to feel one way in order to cover up truer feelings that are possibly more painful to deal with or hard to accept?  If any or all of these sound familiar you could possibly be emotionally retarded!

 An emotional retard usually results from being a victim of emotional rape.  Once violated, mistreated or abused (Mindfucked) the e-retard finds his/her soul in a constant breakdown mode and they become incapable of getting off of the emotional shortbus of destruction.  An e-retard is typically familiar with being emotionally shat upon, and with the constant lies, rejections, disappointments and betrayal the e-retard may find themselves emotionally numb and lacking emotional response at all.  Sadly e-retards will often attempt emotional suicide in order to cope with day to day activities and mask the pain of reality.  Others turn to an emotional tampon for relief. It’s been known that confiding in and being with someone else(usually intimately) who simply listens and “tolerates” an e-retard’s constant self-loathing helps the e-retard to cope and feel better if even for a short period of time.

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Due to this severely risky behavior, in many cases the e-retard often becomes an emotional whore, further damaging him/herself and riddling their future with even more emotional sickness and ultimately becoming an emotional train wreck.  And like with any train wreck you never WANT to look, but it’s so hard not to as you pass by innocently wondering to yourself “what happened”?  In either case it’s always better to just drive on by and leave the “wreck” for professionals who are skilled with handling such unfortunate mishaps.  No matter how cool it may look, no matter how much it may excite you and no matter how many others are doing it, when the train to crazy town derails, you don’t wanna be anywhere near the scene.  The short term thrill you get will never be worth the long term scaring you leave with.  

Chooooooo Choooo!!   Watch out, the train might be behind you or better yet, you might be on it!!!

No ink above the stink!

Smooth flawless exterior, big beautiful high beams, topless with a long deep exhaust and a smooth curvy rear-end and….. a bumper sticker.  Yep that was quite possibly a few descriptives of your dream car and mine.  Everything you could want in a sweet ride and more with the added tacky bumper sticker of course.  Could you actually imagine putting a hideous bumper sticker on the vehicle you’ve waited your entire life to call your own?image

I find this dollar store accessory about the same as an attractive woman with a tramp stamp.  There’s nothing like meeting someone you think fits all the criteria for a long term test drive and then while bending down to pick up a simple tube of chapstick….. BAM there it is.  A deep tissue documented bad idea in the form of a lower back tattoo that looks about as appealing as a green bumper sticker on a Ferrari that says “Rock ‘n Roll” or “Honk if parts fall off!”   Attractive huh?  And speaking of parts, now if your “car” had a foggy set of headlights and one sagged on the right, you can replace those, if the rear-end got hit hard a few times and the bumper sagged, there’s a fix for that and if the grill took out a bird or two on the freeway and busted out a few sections, you can upgrade that too.  But once you put that bumper sticker on the back, it or remnants of it will be there forever.  And nothing reminds me of forever like a magical butterfly or a mini rose garden containing more ink than an HP toner cartridge.

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For all of whom have such a titillating tattoo, bless your hearts and remember Jesus still loves you and probably the old stickered up car still drives the same right?  But for those of you who are tat free, congrats!  You are now the part of the “unique” crowd.

Scramble The Bad Egg!

                 

Don’t look at me too hard, don’t ask me any serious questions and don’t dare smile or try to push an optimistic viewpoint on me.  Have people in their life like this?  Sure you do, we all do.  Much too often we entertain the “Eyore” like folks in life allowing them to piss in our honey and cloud up our sunny days.   Well this morning I myself became one.  Probably a result of consuming sleep aids for the first time or possibly the fact that I had quite the intimate encounter with my sofa and cable TV all day yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling over rested and less than my amazing self.  The early rooster crow came unwelcomed like stuttering preacher and I became this irritated monster full of negativity and spouting off with a mouth only a whorish mother could love.  But it wasn’t until I called the drive-thru attendant at my regular feeding trough a FU@%!$& moron that I realized I was in fact out of my mind!

What was I doing, who was this man that made his favorite biscuit babe almost cry?  What was so bad that I had begun to take things out on the unsuspecting around me? Typically being very positive and a white chocolate covered rainbow nearly 99% of the time, I immediately stopped and thought to myself “self, we’ve only been up for an hour or so and already I hate myself for feeling and acting this way.  How must the Debbie Downers that live this way every day feel?  How shitty must that pill taste?  Swallowed daily and opening the sky up to the dark cloud that shadows their every move.”  It was almost immediate that I referenced the same questions I had pondered moments earlier.  What was so bad in life that this negativity has taken over?  Was there anything that ever really warranted so much gloom and dejection?  In a split second my mind referenced a story where I heard of a healthy 28 year old woman whom recently went to the doctor for shoulder pain, and the end result was her finding out she had cancer and may live only 2 days or 2 weeks more.  Nothing known to man being able to help and an unexpected sudden death being her only recourse, she now awaits her destiny.  Recalling this story, I simultaneously sat idle at a stoplight avoiding eye contact with a panhandler who may or may not have needed a chance.  Was he homeless, poor, unable to work, no family?  Would he still be here begging for life and money in a few weeks?  No one knows for sure, but it only took a glimpse at these two stories and in mere seconds I became thankful again and positive in the fact that my life really wasn’t that bad.  Sure I was allowed to have a crap morning, but why throw lightning bolts at others just because my sky is cloudy today?  “This too shall pass” right?  It’s amazing how a 20 second overview of life and what’s going on around us can reset your outlook and change the rest of your day, week or life.  

To those of you who live your life in the “glass half empty” world or for some “glass seems to always be cracked and leaking before you can take a drink and oh dear lord I may dehydrate and die” I ask you, what is so bad?  Look around you is everyone wearing a smug look on their face?  Probably not, but I guarantee they have just as much reason or right to do so as you or I.  We have all had been handed lemons in life and only we can CHOOSE not to allow them to make us sour or bitter in all we do.  We must remain positive, optimistic and encouraging in spite of our fate or because of it.  Why?  Simple, because life is too short, and there are always things to be positive about.  Silver linings are sometimes hard to find, but trust that they’re there if you look hard enough.  If the glass isn’t half full, then do something about it to fill it up.  No one else is responsible for your happiness, and no one appreciates you bringing them down along the way.  If at times find yourself having a hard time finding the silver lining in your day, try going back to the basics and focus on the positives within.  Like perhaps you being alive, that’s an immediate positive right?  And to me, a sign that already things are looking up!  Life doesn’t owe us anything folks, so make the best of yours each day!  And try smiling more, hell over bites and bucked teeth are still better than a frown, and I promise it’ll make you feel better! 

What’s a penny worth to you?

A small round piece of copper found in the pockets of many, collecting in random containers across the world and often trampled and over looked on the ground below us.  Produced at the U.S. Mint, millions of pennies are put into circulation each year.  Each perfectly stamped into shape, edges rounded smooth and polished to a crisp shine.   Glowing in a golden hue they trickle into our lives and begin the process of being utilized for their meager value.  Circulating among us and passing from hand to hand, these shiny pieces of metal often become tarnished, dirty, dented, and worn beyond recognition.  However the coin continues along its journey until one day removed from circulation, usually by the same source in which it was created. 

How similar are each of us and those we come in contact with each day to that of a penny?  All created individually, stamped into shape by our lives and personalities, edges rounded by the important people placed on our paths and each of us uniquely polished by the experiences and trials in which we overcome or face in defeat?  Much like the penny, events in our own lives can cause us to also become mentally tarnished, spiritually dirty and physically worn beyond recognition.  Our shine and luster once gleaming when we began our journeys often fades and can become dull at first glance.

Have you ever walked by or been standing somewhere and noticed a penny on the ground?  Did you pick it up, or did you leave it be?  Was it too dirty?  Was it too worn?  Was it not worth enough for your time or effort?  The truth, it’s worth just as much as it was the day it was created and before it landed at your feet.  While it was not handed directly to you nor was it shining bright in an array of other more valuable coins, it was still valuable.  So why do we leave the penny on the ground?  Is it because it’s just one penny?  Are we ashamed to possess a dirty penny?  Are we too proud to reach beneath us?  What if there were 100 worn or dirty pennies on the ground, would we pick them up then?  What if the penny was shiny or resting next to a quarter or perhaps laying on a dollar bill?  Would it be more appealing then?

Think about the person you avoided eye contact with on the street or the individual sitting alone at your favorite restaurant or coffee shop?  Were they just another dirty coin?  Did you stop and take a moment to pick them up in any way?  What about people you know whom haven’t made the best decisions in life or perhaps have not traveled down the most ideal road?  Maybe they too have become dull and their integrity faded, do you reach down and pick them up, brush them off and give them the opportunity to feel full of worth again?  Or do you leave them down because of their meager value or because the reward is not great enough?

Tarnished and worn or beaming new with sparkle and brilliance, everyone’s worth is equal to the day in which they were created.  Just like the penny, regardless of what the person has been through or how rough they may look and feel when they land at your feet, each are full of value.  The old saying “it all spends the same” not only applies to the penny but to the person as we are all equal, simply possessing different hues of color, histories, fates and opportunities.  Picking up that one ragged penny can lead to a collection of many more that strengthen our overall suite of assets.  Maybe that one person you overlook appears to be of little value to you or perhaps not worth the effort, but to someone that was their last “penny” or is perhaps the one “cent” needed become a new “dollar”.  No one ever asks to be a penny, nor does anyone want to be penny that no one wants.  But everyone wants to be picked up.  No matter where the penny rests, there is a dollar out there somewhere waiting to complete.  Pick up the damn penny!!

                                            

Today is the big day folks!!  Let’s not forget to do our part and give ole boy a hand!! Barack out with your…..  Go VOTE!!!!!!

Doctors, housewives, hair stylists, flight attendants, lawyers, college students, little old church ladies and I’m pretty sure even ex-strippers.(hey I saw the dancing)  I spent this last weekend surrounded by some of the strongest women I’ve ever met.  I found myself in the middle of nearly 1800 boobie burdened soldiers and soldierettes, all collaborating together unselfishly for dedications many of us have never dealt with or even considered.  Everyone I met this weekend was from a different walk of life.  Each coming from a wide range of social circles, having different personalities and all walking for various personal convictions.  There were lovers, “fighters”, “survivors”, lovers of the fighters and survivors and then those who just came to show support, give hope or simply deliver a smile into a moment where a smile didn’t seem to fit.

Going into the Susan G. Komen 3-Day I had no idea what to expect.  But as day one started and we approached lunch time and mile 12 it soon became reality.  No matter how physically “fit” I had thought I was, I was not prepared for what came with each titillating mile.  My knees, ankles and feet hurt like they had been dancing inside a cake mixer.  My thighs throbbed like they were being pumped full of hot lava and my back was stiffer than light pole sprinkled with Viagra.  Mile after mile the pain grew, but so did the experience.  While somehow fighting back the man tears, I was able to have some incredible conversations and learn so much about what this event meant to survivors, fighters as well as the friends and family of those affected.   Day one was tough, but my highlight of the day was walking the second half of the day with an older gentleman who was on his 10th event.  THIS YEAR!!  Yep, he is walking in all 14 cities in honor of his late wife.  This weekend he cleared his 600th mile of the 840 total he will soon complete in a west coast city just 4 weekends from now.  Talk about not being able to quit.  I’m a machine, right?  I work-out like an animal with the endurance of the energizer bunny of meth, I got this.  If this guy can do it and do so with many years to my senior, I MUST not quit.  So a few cocktails from Ted’s Montana Grill,  and an “Optimism” flag later.  I made it through day 1.  (Don’t judge folks, alcohol does give you courage.  It’s not ALWAYS used just to spit horrible pick-up lines at your local watering hole.)  And I needed courage damn it!!

I had a blast the first 21.3 miles of day one.  I met probably 100+ people that day alone and laughed while also wanting to cry all day.  It was truly amazing.  And despite my desire to cut my legs off with a dull plastic knife, I continued on to Day 2.  It was no different than day one except for the fact that my legs now felt like rubber packed full of razor blades.  Mile 1 -7 was rough, but hey I was moving still.  The afternoon became more difficult and the knee wraps and my love affair with BioFreeze soon began to fade.  I found myself in agony and ready to fall on my face and cry.  I began to slow my pace and my team forged ahead after lunch.  And because I was walking SLOWER than an old grandma I also had the chance to meet a few as they began to pass me.  Here is where my Day-2 highlight came into play.  As most did through-out the event, the women would come up along my side and ask how I was doing, I would respond, try to crack a joke and act like I was totally not sore and then proceed to ask them the same.  Well hold onto your Hello Kitty thongs here folks because if Hallmark had an award for inspirational cards, this would be on it.  She proceeded to tell me about her own fight with breast cancer and…….. I quote: “I don’t expect to make it through the holidays, so I’m just walking out my last days doing what I love, helping people.  Every little bit helps you know!”   Yes folks this beautiful 62 year old lady is losing her battle to this horrific disease and yet she is still strong enough to “walk the walk”.  It was in this moment my feet felt no pain and my heart began to ache instead.  Here I am this young bullet proof man, crying about a few aches and pains yet this lovely dying women would rather be nowhere else in her last days than helping other men and women in an unselfish hope to make their days better and life last longer despite her own aches and pains.  Needless to say, I now had the strength to push on.  Not for me, but for her this angel God had placed on the same sidewalk at this exact moment.

The nightly celebrations, dinner, dancing (and I really mean wobbling) brought comfort and a relaxing tone over the group as each evening came to a end.  “Lights out” came around 9:30 and it was never soon enough to cuddle up on that fabulous concrete floor and pass out quicker than a late night during Spring Break 98’.  And speaking of crazy, was there really a dancing Pink Gorilla Saturday night or did I dream that?

Folks I would love nothing more than to boast of how I was able to finish all 60 miles on Day-3, but let’s face it, I’m no super hero.  While I met several hundreds of them this weekend, but I in fact have not reached that level of awesomeness YET.  I began Day-3 with the intentions of giving it my all and that I did, but I was quickly and humbly brought back to reality as I took the “Sweep” van to the end of the route.  Day-3 was indeed humbling, as part of me felt very defeated.  But in reality it has sparked an even bigger fire inside me that I see to be a true blessing going forward.  And while the weekend was tough, fun, emotional and rewarding, it wasn’t until this morning that it all truly hit home.

As I woke up from my warm cozy bed, feeling rested for the first time since last Thursday, I headed out for the day.  It was at a red light leaving my regular Chick-fil-A that I broke down for the first time.  This funny man, full of muscles and smiles burst into tears thinking back on what had truly taken place over the weekend.  I had experienced something amazing and life changing and yet while I had felt the pain and sorrow alongside all the others over the weekend, I was now able to return back to my normal life.  A life free of this disgusting disease, while so many others, all my new friends, had to go home and continue to face the reality that has become their lives.  Coping with family members they only spend time with in thoughts, prayers and memories.  Some continue to make doctor’s appointments, go to treatments, living with severe pain and restricting their lives to a disease that does not deserve to have such a hold on the lives of anyone, especially our loved ones.

I’ve always had a huge respect for women as my grandmother to this day continues to be one of my best friends, my mother I owe my life and my sister continues to keep me grounded as sometimes I fly away.  But after this weekend and seeing so many truly “rough it” and push thru the pain that I myself could no longer handle and do so while continuing to nurture and support others all the while putting their own discomforts aside, I have an new respect and a new place in my heart for these beautiful boobie baring icons that have brought us into this world.  

I’ve heard so many stories from people who “do not support Susan G. Komen” during my fundraising and prior to the event.  And after participating and witnessing in person what this organization has done and how these women are effected by the change, it becomes perfectly clear REALLY quick, it has nothing to do with the money, it has little to do with the foundation, the focus is on the lives of these men and women and the dollars or pennies add up to giving someone a better life.  Someone who may even be healthy and free of cancer, someone like myself.  Thank you supporters, thank you Susan G. Komen and thank you to all of my new friends from the Atlanta 3-Day!

No no that’s NOT the Po Po, It’s just Lamont!

To all my African American friends. And when I say African American, what I mean to say is Black. And when I say Black, what I really mean to say is to all you Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop impersonators…… Can y’all PLEASE stop buying up all the old, out of service Crown Vic cop cars?? I mean damn!! It’s hard enough trying to get my speed on while trying to avoid all the “mama’s boys” in blue. I definitely don’t need the added stress of you and your deputy Rosko P. Soul Train zippin up behind me in an old murdered out State Trooper car still equipped with the brush guard that was once used to keep hookers off the sidewalk and Deputy Dipshit from hitting the parking pole at Dunkin Doughnuts. 

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Maybe you think it helps you “blend in”, “stay on the low low” or perhaps gives you some sort of bootleg “authority” while cruising the streets. But as inconspicuous as you may think you’re being, I’ve yet to see a legit officer of the law “hot boxing” at a stoplight or put “BabyGurl” in chrome lettering on the passenger window.  I’m pretty sure either of these activities are a dead give away for “driver probably didn’t complete the Police Academy” and may or may not be riding dirty.  But in your defense I’ll have to admit, I too have always wanted to own a vehicle with one of those bad ass driver’s side spotlights and a push bumper. But at the end of the day I have to remind myself, I’ll never be Starsky and Hutch, and personally I think OJ was better off in a Bronco anyways!

If there’s one thing I know, that would be fun.  I know that 3 letter word inside and out, backwards and forward.  There’s even been rumored talk that I single handedly put the F and the U in the word many moons ago.  Mostly because I try to incorporate it into everything I do in life. My days begin on a positive note because I choose that.  I enjoy being happy and spreading my ridiculousness to others, because let’s face it folks smiling and laughing is enjoyable and promotes a better quality of life.  I’m sure I could dwell on the bountiful negatives in life and try to make everyone around me miserable, but why?  Life’s too short.  This is something I’ve come to appreciate more as I’ve peaked the ripe age of 31. Each day I wake up and remain on top of the dirt is a great day and it calls for celebration and gratitude.
This same gratitude being the biggest contributor in my decisions to give back and do more for those who deal with the always heartbreaking and often deadly misfortunes of ill health.  While I myself  am extremely blessed in health and spirit nor do I personally know of anyone that’s been diagnosed with breast cancer, that’s not to say I don’t understand the pain, trials and constant battles those battling the disease face each day.  I’ve witnessed first-hand as friends and distant relatives have coped with this menacing disease and watched it not only destroy family, but tear apart lives while leaving irreparable emotional and physical scars to those left behind.  Death of any kind is devastating.  But death by a disease such as cancer can be outright brutal and agonizing.  Often the most quoted phrase when someone loses a family member to cancer is “as least they don’t have to fight anymore” or “at least they’re no longer in pain”.  Known to be one of the worst ways to pass, cancer comes with various levels of physical and mental pain.  From chronic pain felt in the bones, nerve pain sending fire throughout the body, to mental anxiety and physical deterioration it’s a life altering experience for anyone involved.
So from this you may ask yourself, “so Mr. FUn how can you possibly transform this disgusting experience you mention into something positive?”  Well folks the reality is, I can’t.  I’m no magician nor can I play the role of any higher power.  But what I can do is show my support to those who must accept and deal with this painful disease each day.  Nothing will give me more joy than to take 3-days from my life and stand along-side of thousands of wives, grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces  and say not only with my words but with my actions “I know you’ve dealt with a lot already, I know I may never truly understand your pain and sacrifices, but today I’m here for you and want you to know that you haven’t fought in vain or without reward as we now walk together in your fight.”  This, my friends will be FUn for me.  I hardly see it as a sacrifice really, as it’s something I’ll be rewarded with time and again as I walk alongside individuals and teams of some of the strongest women that are literally walking this earth.
For those of you who can, please join me as I begin a journey and experience something I predict to be truly life changing.  For those who cannot join, please consider supporting me in spirit, by raising awareness or even by donating even a few bucks to the cause.  We all have SOMETHING to give.  You may not have the time, you may not have the money and you may not even have the heart, but the odds of you being void of all three are nearly impossible.  So why not be a part of something bigger today?  Be a part of someone’s victory, be a part of someone’s fight, be a part of someone’s legacy!
Click my silly picture above to join in and show your show support!!

If there’s one thing I know, that would be fun.  I know that 3 letter word inside and out, backwards and forward.  There’s even been rumored talk that I single handedly put the F and the U in the word many moons ago.  Mostly because I try to incorporate it into everything I do in life. My days begin on a positive note because I choose that.  I enjoy being happy and spreading my ridiculousness to others, because let’s face it folks smiling and laughing is enjoyable and promotes a better quality of life.  I’m sure I could dwell on the bountiful negatives in life and try to make everyone around me miserable, but why?  Life’s too short.  This is something I’ve come to appreciate more as I’ve peaked the ripe age of 31. Each day I wake up and remain on top of the dirt is a great day and it calls for celebration and gratitude.

This same gratitude being the biggest contributor in my decisions to give back and do more for those who deal with the always heartbreaking and often deadly misfortunes of ill health.  While I myself  am extremely blessed in health and spirit nor do I personally know of anyone that’s been diagnosed with breast cancer, that’s not to say I don’t understand the pain, trials and constant battles those battling the disease face each day.  I’ve witnessed first-hand as friends and distant relatives have coped with this menacing disease and watched it not only destroy family, but tear apart lives while leaving irreparable emotional and physical scars to those left behind.  Death of any kind is devastating.  But death by a disease such as cancer can be outright brutal and agonizing.  Often the most quoted phrase when someone loses a family member to cancer is “as least they don’t have to fight anymore” or “at least they’re no longer in pain”.  Known to be one of the worst ways to pass, cancer comes with various levels of physical and mental pain.  From chronic pain felt in the bones, nerve pain sending fire throughout the body, to mental anxiety and physical deterioration it’s a life altering experience for anyone involved.

So from this you may ask yourself, “so Mr. FUn how can you possibly transform this disgusting experience you mention into something positive?”  Well folks the reality is, I can’t.  I’m no magician nor can I play the role of any higher power.  But what I can do is show my support to those who must accept and deal with this painful disease each day.  Nothing will give me more joy than to take 3-days from my life and stand along-side of thousands of wives, grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces  and say not only with my words but with my actions “I know you’ve dealt with a lot already, I know I may never truly understand your pain and sacrifices, but today I’m here for you and want you to know that you haven’t fought in vain or without reward as we now walk together in your fight.”  This, my friends will be FUn for me.  I hardly see it as a sacrifice really, as it’s something I’ll be rewarded with time and again as I walk alongside individuals and teams of some of the strongest women that are literally walking this earth.

For those of you who can, please join me as I begin a journey and experience something I predict to be truly life changing.  For those who cannot join, please consider supporting me in spirit, by raising awareness or even by donating even a few bucks to the cause.  We all have SOMETHING to give.  You may not have the time, you may not have the money and you may not even have the heart, but the odds of you being void of all three are nearly impossible.  So why not be a part of something bigger today?  Be a part of someone’s victory, be a part of someone’s fight, be a part of someone’s legacy!

Click my silly picture above to join in and show your show support!!

What are you thoughts on electric wheelchairs or power wheelchairs: Fatty Wagon or Handi-Helper?

Asked by
beferrari

Well “Ferrari” it’s almost as if you were riding the mini mall-train thru my mind on this hot topic.  It’s about once a week I find myself using my man-legs leisurely to peruse aisles aimlessly in search of the finest fruits and berries, breads and meats and sometimes an adult beverage assortment and a Glade scented candle because I like to be domestic and fresh. 

I find great joy in witnessing establishments take pride in their ability to help others who are often unable to stand for long periods or walk due to restrictions beyond their control.  They provide alternate movement aids for those who are truly disabled, and even provide shopping assistance for expecting mothers who must refrain from specific movements and performing certain functions due to her current child-bearing stage.  It’s in circumstances like these that these little magical methods of motorized mobility are indeed “Handi-Helpers” and are truly being used for the purpose in which it was acquired.

Now this “Fatty Wagon” in which you mention?  The term itself seems a bit harsh and very insensitive to those horizontally challenged around us.  However, when I see a person on a power chair and the only part of the unit I can see are the wheels sticking out from the bottom with each screaming like a 12 year old Bieber fan on a run-away rollercoaster, or perhaps the steering mechanism wedged firmly between the cracks of a F.U.P.A. roll, I too often roll my eyes and assume that this person probably isn’t truly disabled, but in fact his/her willpower might be.  Much like “The Chicken or The Egg” debate I silently ponder, as to which came first?  Did the large ass and glowing red cankles lead to this person “needing” assisted mobility, or perhaps did the lack of calorie crushing while riding around lazily shopping for diet Coke on a power chair led to a progressive fat cell explosion in the derriere region of this now mobile mammoth?

Much like that chicken and egg, we may never know the real contributors to why things are the way they are in this mobile madness we often see on two, three and four motorized wheels.  However the simple fact is that there will always be laziness slowing down the flow of those who wish to move forward, there will always be folks that choose to take the easy way out when they’re capable of performing at the level or higher than others, and no matter how bad we wanna ram a broom handle in the path of one of these often over-weighted slug sleds, chances are we’d only wind up in the middle of a lawsuit where the weighty warrior would clean us out and complain of how our insensitive actions caused emotional and physical strain thus diminishing their “quality of life”.

 Personally I think we should start a PowerChair-RollerTeam.  Yep I’m talking about the NPCRT here folks.  Power chair + ski-rope + roller skates = aisles and aisles of delicious danger.  The possibilities are endless as long as you don’t get hit by the falling prices.  And besides, why let the “cripples” have all the fun?

Smoking Hot or Smoking Not?

I’d rather have a midget shit in my mouth after half price Mexican night, lick the taint of a homeless woman after sleeping for weeks on a city park bench, or even eat the peanuts out of a fresh pile of elephant shit before I would kiss a girl who smokes. Definite deal breaker for this ole boy!

Yesterday while shuffling outside to get a breath of fresh air at the office, I stepped out into a place too many find themselves thinking about lustfully throughout the day and usually where folks gather in packs like starved and beaten kittens all scratching for their next breath and bonding hazardously in what we all call “the smoking area”.

It was there that I saw what appeared to be one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, especially for my office building. Suited up with a bright smile, tall, blond, athletic and curved out like Porsche on race day…. And then…. Puff Puff Pass = FAIL!!! This fine specimen was on her way to reaching a possible 8-9 status on the “DiCK” scale and then in one quick pucker and inhale she dropped down to an un-rankable “0”.

Come on ladies finding that special someone is hard enough, why throw “cancer bound” and “mouth like a hot burning diaper” onto your list of unmarketable traits? Most guys these days who value their health and well-being do NOT think this is sexy. Now if you’re looking to snag a date with the manager down at the bowling alley or perhaps nail down your spot as the baddest bitch in the trailer park go ahead and light up and blow out those glorious rings of smoke as your lungs scream like a fat girl in a pushup contest. However if you’re truly interested in being marketable and healthy enough for great sex and romantic walks on the beach, the only thing that should be smoked in your life is sausage , the turkey or chicken on your club at lunch or perhaps a tire or two when you’re street racing on your way to church.
I get you may be “addicted” at this point and that breaking this habit has been known to make you put on weight when quit or even make you irritable because you just don’t know how to handle yourself, but trust me once you realize how much more beautiful and appealing you are when your face doesn’t look like a sideways volcano and when you’re out of breath because some stud took yours away and NOT the drag of your Marlboro 100s, you’ll see the full value and benefits of keeping those dirty little sticks out of your mouth.

For those of you who may be on the fence, I have recent video footage of what our president has been up to during his term in office.  While personally I knew we were putting a jerk-off in office, I had no idea he would be so literal and with such dishonor.  From day one he has battered Bush and others before him, but seeing him in action in this not so TMZ clip, the phrase holds a much different meaning. 

Looking back on the terms of the Stimulus Package I find it hard to decipher on which package it was he was truly trying to stimulate and hoping he in fact did not have “the American People” in mind, specifically ME! 

As now the Commander of this great nation we all watched as he beat the odds, and rose to the top.  Let’s hope this next time around he is left beating nothing more than a drum or perhaps his head against a wall.   

(Viewer Discretion is Advised.  Not for Democrats with soft backbones or weak stomachs!)

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